Wreck of the Day

Yesterday was a bad day. We put Violet to bed at 9:00pm Wednesday night. Violet's behavior is largely determined by amount of sleep, and she woke up Thursday morning a little earlier than normal - hence the beginning of a bad day. I had very little patience with her, and she was tired of me as well. She whined and disobeyed all day, and I whined back - it was ugly.

Then, last night I had a little emotional outburst. I will say little, but my eyelids were an inch thick this morning and I haven't cried that hard since high-school (maybe Nate would disagree). Anyway, I am a neurotic mom. I forgot that Violet belongs to God and have been holding on a little too tight. I am terrified of leaving her while we go get Anara. I keep forgetting that she isn't mine and my control is only an illusion. I am not the only person that can keep her safe, and bad things can happen while she is in my care. So, if you want to pray about my letting her go, I would appreciate it. I really want to use the trip to bond with Anara and focus on her and making her adoption story. I don't want to spend the trip grieving that I had to leave Violet.

Speaking of Anara - no news. We are still waiting to go to court. We were able to get an MD letter asking for an expedited process. The director of the adoption committee has been sick and we are waiting on another letter from him. Pray that court will be complete soon and we will be able to travel soon after.

Also, I have been reading about attachment and adoption. It is a much more difficult process than bonding with a biological newborn. Anara has many things that will make it difficult for her to attach. She was born with a birth defect into an unloving and unfair world. She learned that her physical and emotional needs would not be met consistently. We now have to prove to her that her needs will be met, and that she can trust us. Babies develop attachment in the 1st 18 months of life. They make determinations about the world that will impact the rest of their lives. They decide whether they are lovable or worthless. I know many of you might think this is a bunch of psychological mumbo jumbo, but orphans and abused children manifest these beliefs repeatedly. Pray that Anara will attach to us. Also pray that her attachment will not be interrupted by the surgery she will have.

During the attachment process, we might be doing some things that are not conventional. Nate and I will be the only people who can hold her for an undetermined amount of time. We have to make sure that she sees us meeting her needs. Many orphans have indiscriminate attachments in that they seek consoling from any adult. We want to avoid this. We want to make it very clear to Anara that we will provide for her. During this initial attaching process, we will treat her much more like a newborn and use opportunities to do newborn things with her (feeding, eye contact, cooing, bathing). Hopefully she will attach easily and phase 1 of this process will be brief. But, I just wanted to give a heads-up just in case. (I say all these things now - we will see.)

Those are the things swimming in my mind. Thank you for your prayers and support.